Continued...

Have you ever come to the point where you just wonder why anything matters? You wonder what the point is to anything? I used to have such a rosy picture of romance and love... You know, the kind of stuff that fairy tales are made out of. But as I began looking at those around me, I saw no evidence of such love. Most couples that I know who have been married for more than year or two encourage me to stay single, and usually say that it's more trouble than it's worth. The guys I see are usually rather bullheaded and in their own little world, and the women are always talking about how the guys aren't meeting their needs.

It really through me over the top when one of my best friend's husbands announced that he wanted a divorce. My dear friend had no idea that it was coming... Everything I heard from her was about how wonderful he was, and what sweet things he did for her. I kept wondering how I could find a guy as good as him? And then this... What is up with that? Why on earth can't people just be honest, instead of pretending to be something they are not?

It did not leave me with much faith in men or in relationships. How on earth are you supposed to tell who somebody really is? How are you supposed to tell if they are being honest or not? And what is the point of saving yourself for marriage if your future spouse isn't even going to care? What if there aren't any good ones left out there, or at least none that want me? Wouldn't it be better to be with someone than to never be with anyone?

I got to the point where my standards had gotten so low... It is only by the grace of God and not by my own choice that I did not end up giving everything up. I was no longer really looking for a Christian... I was looking for a cowboy. But no matter how hard I tried to ignore it, there was still a little voice in me that told me it was better to wait for the right person.

With all of this came depression. I was not happy in any way. I was not content. I thought that moving somewhere else would make me happier, or finding a guy, or earning more money. Do you know that, even while I had basically walked away from God, He has always provided just enough money for me to get by, just in the nick of time? I have never gone hungry or not been able to pay my bills... He has always provided for my needs, and gone the extra mile.

I have prayed this prayer so many times during the past few years, "God, I'm not ready to come back right now... But please don't give up on me! Please don't stop trying!" I know that's a strange sort of prayer, but He did answer it. He never gave up on me.

I have been SO miserable the past few years... I knew that God was the answer, but I didn't know exactly how to get to Him. I had no idea how to love God, or have a relationship with Him... It just seemed like He was always so far away. It seemed like there was a huge wall up between me and him, and I had no idea how to get over it.

I used to look in the mirror (metaphorically), and I couldn't stand the person that I saw. I saw someone who was just like everybody else in the world. I saw someone who would watch anything, listen to anything, go just about anywhere. I didn't like the person who cussed all the time, and had a nasty attitude. I didn't like myself at all.

So I started to ask God to teach me how to love Him. I was so tired of being miserable, and I just began to realize that all of the things that I had been holding on to were totally not worth the misery that I was living in. You know the strange thing? The things that I was holding onto were really not bad things... The desire to find true love and get married and have a family is not bad. Nor is the desire to have my own ranch someday. I could go on, but you get the point. What was bad was that I was not willing to give those things up to Him, to let Him do as He would with them. Now, I understand that you cannot truly give up your life to Christ without falling in love with Him.

One day, I visited another church to hear a special speaker, and the way that she talked about Jesus was literally like He was right there. She made Him seem so real, and her passion for Him was so real. I watched her talk about her relationship with Christ, and I began asking God to show me how to get what she has.

Later that day, I went home and dug out a book that a friend had given me for my birthday a few years earlier. It's called "Authentic Beauty" by Leslie Ludy. If you haven't read it, it's definitely a must-read! It talks about falling in love with Jesus, and gaining your worth through your relationship with Him. Once again, in those pages, I saw a love for Jesus and a passion for Him that I didn't understand. But I knew I wanted it, so I began praying even more fervently and asking God to teach me how to love Him, and give me that passion for Him, and I began reading my Bible again. I told Jesus that I was tired of hanging onto my life... That I knew He could run it better than I could, and I wanted His will to reign in my life.

And do you know what? God answered my prayers! He started teaching me to love Him! I can't tell you what exactly made the difference, except that it's Him! He has been so good to me, I don't deserve His goodness at all.

The very next week, at church, (the previous Sabbath had been the special speaker, then I read the book, and now I'm at church again) I was supposed to be out of town for a young adult retreat. At the very last minute, I decided to stay at home and go to my own church. Lo and behold, I could barely believe my ears when I heard that the church service was about having a relationship with Christ and knowing God! Isn't God amazing? Once again, it was just exactly what I needed to hear.

Throughout the next few weeks, God began showing me areas in my life that needed improvement (and believe me, there are MANY areas!). It seemed like for every step forward that I took, I took two steps back. I was so frustrated... I wanted to be a new person, and I wanted those around me to be able to see a change. So I began praying and asking God to make a big enough change in me that someone else could notice it. Here is where the story gets good again.

I was so frustrated, because I was really trying to let God change me, but it seemed kind of futile. I didn't see that much of a change in myself, and nobody else seemed to. But then, one week, I went out to work cows. I'd been taking lessons on sorting cattle, and this week a friend and mentor went with me. This dear lady has known me since I was 12, and is almost a second mother to me. After watching me work cows that afternoon, on the way home, she kept saying that that was the best she'd ever seen me ride. I kept asking her what was different, what I did differently, and she just said, "I don't know, it's just the best I've ever seen you ride." A little while later, I started telling her about my experience with finally coming back to Jesus, and all of a sudden she shouted, "That's what's different! You just have this peace about you now, and this confidence that you've never had before. That's the difference!"

Talk about God working in mysterious ways! Here I had been praying that God would make a difference in me, and never in a million years would I dream that the difference would show up in my work with horses! What an awesome God we serve!